letting go.

Apr 21, 2013

I'm letting go, but I've never felt better.
Passing by all the monsters in my head
      - Slow and Steady - Of Monsters And Men

I love this song. I listen to it almost everyday.
I have a playlist of songs that have helped me get through this mess. Some make my heart ache because I still wonder what could I have done differently and some bring me to the reality that I am doing just fine without you. That maybe what people say is right, I am better off and one day I will look back and realize it was the best thing.

I deserve more.
I deserve better.
I am worth more than I ever thought.

My past relationships have always had some lessons learned. I need to learn to stop always thinking about the other person first when it isn't reciprocated. I need to learn to take care of myself and enjoy who I am without losing myself in someone else's life.

We accept the love we think we deserve.
This weekend I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower and this was one of my favorite quotes. I think I deserve more. I deserve to find someone who will understand me and make me feel good about myself. I deserve to find someone who will do the things I love because it makes them happy too. And he did at times, but things changed. We changed.

I am finding myself through all of this. And I love it.
I am being bold and going after what I want. And it paid off.
There's other fish in the sea.

I closed a chapter of my life today and as I drove away crying, I took a breath and could feel the heaviness of it all disappear.
I love him and I appreciate him, so much more this past week or two, because I let go. I was able to look back and finally not care. I stopped caring about why. It really doesn't matter why. Nothing will change and as much as I had hoped for months that things could change and I could be that girl to make him happy, it wasn't going to happen. I can not make someone love me and I shouldn't have to convince someone to either.
I am so happy to say goodbye, and maybe hello again in the future.

So I stopped thinking about him and started thinking about someone else.
And that cheesy butterfly feeling came back.
We accept the love we think we deserve.

And I deserve to be happy.

1 comment

  1. I think that's the hardest part, letting go of the "why". When you stop caring why, it's when you've truly let them go.

    My friend Jason said two simple words to me, when I was crying over baby dad- and oddly enough it changed my whole perspective and thought process towards the situation. His exact words were "Fuck it". LOL. (crass I know). I don't know why it freed me that day, but anytime I see myself starting to dwell (not so much anymore but back when I was in the thick of it) I'd simply repeat that "nice" sentiment and it snapped me out of whatever funk I was about to jump into.


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