what we deserve

I've mentioned this before and it was brought up again today in random conversation.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

Well, we all deserve to be happy.
You should never let someone treat you as though you are second best.
You are beautiful and worth so much more.

Do not ever let someone make you feel as though you are worthless.

I have been in that situation where nothing I did seemed good enough. No matter what I did I couldn't seem to do right by him and I felt so small.
College was not that long ago and yet, I can't believe how much I have grown and learned since that time.

I told myself I would never put myself in that situation again.
I met someone who made me feel good about myself. He never made me believe I couldn't trust him. I wasn't the crazy girl I was in college.

Then I stumbled upon someone who had good looks and charm.
But I quickly realized it was a young boys game and I didn't want to play.
So I walked away.

We accept the love we think we deserve.


You always deserve someone who will treat you right.
But you don't need anyone to make you feel good.
I didn't need someone to toy with me and then I realized just how much I've grown since college.

Enjoy the loneliness.
Enjoy your own company.
Love who you are without someone else.

qotm/this week

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. - Marilyn Monroe


When my love life was falling apart around me my best friend P kept me strong. Through the constant phone calls, texts, and pep talks she always knew exactly what to say to make me feel like I would be okay. One of my favorite things was this quote. Because when I look at my life right now, things are falling together and I smile.

This past weekend I met up with him to get the rest of my things back.
I had been waiting for this moment for a long time and if you had asked me a month ago how I saw it going, I would have told you that I wanted to pour my heart out and tell him how much he had hurt me and how I could not believe the way he went about this whole situation. In reality, it didn't go like that. We sat in a parking lot where we used to go to the movies and talked. We asked how we were and we awkwardly laughed at each other and we were happy that the other was doing well. I genuinely was happy to hear he was doing well and a bit sad to see us this way.

Can we be friends?
I have no idea.
Do I want to be?
I have no idea because before we met up, I assumed I would never speak to him again after I received my things. And who knows, maybe that will happen.
We are both happy and I am content with that.

I find it a bit amusing talking about my ex, considering tonight I am going out to dinner with my ex from high school. But those feelings with M don't exist. We dated so long ago and we were still friends afterwards. He is in town for a few weeks and I have no problem seeing him and I am so excited to see him. It's been over 3 years. People that say you can not be friends with your ex are not always right.



This week has been a blur.

• I went to J's volleyball games. I am awkward. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I could talk to a brick wall and have a full conversation, yet with him - I am tongue tied and have no idea what to say. I am not myself and it confuses me. I just don't think I'm ready, but it was enjoyable.
• Presentations this week. Classes are just about done. One class is completely done for me. OMG.
• Bars on a Wednesday night? Yes. I am getting too old for that though. I love my friends. Pictures soon to come. Graduation week has been planned, decorations have been getting ready. We are all ready. KBSJ. We can not wait.

Volunteering this weekend. BBQs and friends. Homework. I love the sunny weather that is approaching.


Enjoy the weekend everyone!

rewrite this story

Someone tell me when
I can start again
And rewrite this story
How long can I stay
Lost without a way to rewrite
I wish I could rewrite this story 

I have had a few songs from the SMASH cast on repeat the last week or so and this is one song I love.
Rewriting my story to fit the life I want to live and the person I want to become.

After reading this post from This American Girl it was just more inspiration. I love her blog, it really is so inspirational and has helped me in more ways than one to move on from the pain. I am exactly who I want to be and know that within the next year I will be exactly where I want to be, on my own. I believe that I am capable of so many things and do not need someone else to be with me in order to follow my dreams. Although at one point it was our dream, it is now my own and I will embrace it alone. I do not need someone who will abandon me the way he did or treat me in such a negative way. I will not be stuck, not like him.

These past four months have been a roller coaster of emotion and I have finally moved on to a better place.

I am happy.
I am free.

I am okay without you.

And I never thought I would get there. I never thought I could be okay without the one person I thought I would spend my life with. It came crashing down and I was able to pick up the pieces. My friends were there to lift me up when I was left alone and broken. I am so very grateful to those people.

Now it is time to write my story the way I want it to be written.
It is time to be my own person and not let the past of my broken heart and memories of you hold me back.

qotm: moving on

This is from He's Just Not that Into You. I watched this last night and never really listened to the end of it. It is a cheesy chick flick but you find the moral when you want to; I found it. I found it in this quote. Because for me, in this moment right now, it is so true. I could not be happier with my life right now, I am sure in this instance if I were sitting on my couch watching a movie with him, instead of on my own, I would have been happy; but not in the same way. Not in the empowering way that I know I am capable of, I would have never found myself.

These lessons in life are hard, but when we learn from them they teach us more than we ever thought we needed to know.


How do you cope with being blind sided?

Is it easy to move on? Does it ever stop hurting?
Do you stop caring? Or stop thinking?

No.
It's not easy.
And it hurts for a long time. But you learn.

You learn to deal with what has happened and you move forward.
You do not let it destroy you, but empower you to be something better.

I will never stop caring or wondering how he is because it is who I am.
I care, no matter what the circumstances because it is me. And I will not stop being me.
But one day, it will fade..
a distant memory I grew from.

For now, you fill your life with happy moments and surround yourself with people who care. Care about you and your well-being.


The happy ending is moving on.
And one day there will be another.

quote of the moment.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.  - M. Scott Peck


I am growing.
Growing into an amazing person.
Because I fell in love with someone who changed me.

Who made me think outside of my box.
Who showed me more than what I had ever imagined.
The deep discomfort I felt when it all came crashing down..
   was exactly what I needed to find myself.
To find what I wanted in life.
And follow my dreams.

It happens for a reason.
I found the reason
and I embrace it, in every way possible.

You are wonderful.
You are great.
Do not let anything stop you from what you want in life.

music heals the soul

It's been the longest winter without you,
I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through.

Going, coming... thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice, boy, you mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, ooh yeah
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV,
Without something there that would remind me
It wasn't all that easy
To just put aside your feelings.
If I'm dreaming, don't wanna lie,
Hurt my feelings

But that's the path
I believe in,
And I know that time will heal it

If you didn't notice, well
You mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, ooh yeah
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to, ooooooh
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is,
I'll be fine without you, yes I will.

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too ohhhh
It'll all get better in time ooooh
And even though I really love you
I wanna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time, woah

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, yeahh
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to


***
I think music has gotten me through all of this so much faster. I love finding songs that just speak to me. That someone knows what it felt like and can make it sound so much better after it all.

School has been busier than I ever imagined it would be. A paper every week. Not just one, sometimes two. A few journals, forums to discuss, more and more.. when will it stop?! Although I looked at the Convocation Ceremony and seriously, it's 3 months away. THREE MONTHS. I will be able to add a Masters to my resume! HOLY CRAP. I am doing amazing things with my life and will continue even more after I am finished with school.

This past weekend was amazing. I was able to watch my best friend get married. I was able to sign their wedding license as one of the witnesses. I can not even being to explain how awesome that was. I will be posting pictures soon, most of them are already edited on my FB but I can't wait to finish all of them. It was amazing to see her and be with her. Having a breakdown with her there is better than with anyone else. She knows exactly what to say and do to help me get through all of this. John, her husband, was also really supportive. I am really really happy for the two of them.


Moving right along..